I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
