My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
