is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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