and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize