Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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