I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
