There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
