Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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