Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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