my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
