Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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