Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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