I didn't shave. On purpose
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize