I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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