i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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