I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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