I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
