I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
