1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize