i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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