well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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