My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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