I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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