According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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