we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
