I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
