I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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