Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
if only i could text you this smell
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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