don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
