i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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