no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
birth control should be required to get into college
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
