Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
