I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
