and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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