You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
