Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize