i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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