as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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