the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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