Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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