When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
