I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize