Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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