There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
