Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
