On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
