my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize