The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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