Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
