First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
don't judge my taste in strippers
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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