Christians are straight up FREAKS
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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