Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You are a booty call, not a friend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize