you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
