mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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