I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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