OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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