I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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