well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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