i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
