so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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