She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
