dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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