the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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