You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
