Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
