I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
