Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
