Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
