I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
