Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
