smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
